Trust-Killer #1: The Undisclosed Agenda

You’re communicating with me, somehow, someway. There’s a reason for it. You know it, and I know it. It’s the first time. You’ve never spoken to me before.

I don’t know you. I don’t trust you. I have no comfort level built up with you.

There is an elephant in the room.

You have some agenda, and I don’t know what it is. It’s obvious you are in some way serving your own self-interest by talking to me. Otherwise, you would not have approached me. Right?

You’d better quickly show me how you are also serving MY self-interest, or I won’t listen long.

I’ve heard people say that the key to building a relationship from scratch is to go in with no agenda. But that is Pollyanna BS. If you approach me, I KNOW you have an agenda. Saying otherwise ruins your chance of gaining credibility with me.

The only way you can gain my trust long enough for me to listen to you is to give me a quick, logical, believable explanation of how our conversation will be a “win” for me, as well as for you.

And then give me the choice whether I want to continue the conversation or not. When you give me that choice, I see that you are different from everyone else. My trust in you increases. I see that you have confidence in yourself, and you’re not trying to force yourself on me.

You really only want to talk with someone who wants to listen to you. That is attractive. You’re not going to try to bully me into buying something. That is a relief. You’re not going to unleash hundreds of words without giving me a chance to respond. More relief.

So put your agenda totally out in the open. It’s got to be logical. It has to make sense to me. And it has to be apparent that it’s a win for me AND for you. If all I can see is the win for me … that’s not good enough. I know you’re not telling me everything. I know you are hiding something. You wouldn’t have started this conversation if this wasn’t a win for you. So tell me what it is. Tell me why. You need to explain all that to me, so I can evaluate whether I want to participate.

You need to get very good at quickly disclosing your relationships, your interests, and any conflicts you have. Make a point of every detail being strictly out in the open.

You can do this disclosure in layers. After each layer, give the person the option to continue or not.

In any conversation with a new person, you ALWAYS start in a low-trust situation. And when trust is low, people do not trust what they can’t see. So you have to show them. You’ve got to reveal. They need to understand and be able to picture your agenda.

Describe the person you are looking for. Tell them you are looking for a very particular person, someone with certain values, someone you can trust. “You answered my ad. I’m looking for a mate I can trust and eventually fall in love with. If you’d like to hear about my background, I’d be happy to tell you. But ultimately, it depends on what you and I think about each other. Can you trust me? Can I trust you? Without trust, there’s no future for you and me. What do you think?”

Be transparent with your goals. When you’re confusing, or you can’t give a satisfactory answer, that generally indicates to the person you’re talking to that you have a hidden agenda.

If you aren’t being transparent, that begs the question, “Why are you withholding information?” And the answer is probably that if you told the truth, they’d see it’s all in your favor, not in theirs.

So the principle is, do 100% full disclosure as quickly as possible. If necessary, structure it in layers and allow the person the chance to opt out of the conversation at any time. This is how you quickly build trust with a new person.

I appreciate you!

Richard Dennis